Five Rituals to Keep Your Marriage Happy
Relationships are not built on grand gestures that you might see at the end of romantic movies. Successful, long-term relationships are built on consistent moments of connection called rituals.
Rituals by definition have three components. They are repeated, coordinated, and meaningful interactions with your partner. “Repeated” can mean every day, once a month, once a year, etc. “Coordinated” means that each person knows what to expect. And “meaningful” means that there is a positive, warm, and emotionally significant aspect of the ritual. Rituals serve to continuously remind yourself and your partner: “Hey, we love each other. We are connected. We are secure.”
Almost anything can become a ritual: brushing your teeth together, going for a walk, telling a running joke, anything! Couples often start off with a lot of rituals in their relationship, but they fade as everyday life gets busy. Though every couple has unique rituals, below are five types of rituals that are common in happy couples.
1. Daily Conversation
Couples have to talk to each other all the time, but it’s often about logistical matters or problems in the relationship. Successful couples have about a 20-minute regular time slot baked into the daily schedule to check in with each other in a way that connects them to each other’s inner world. “How was your day?” and “How are you doing?” are simple but effective tools to build emotional connection. When you are the listener, you don’t have to go into problem-solving mode. Instead, practice empathy.
2. Meals Together
You probably eat meals together all the time, but they’re not meaningful. Conversation, touch, eye contact - these are ways to add meaning to a meal. Not every meal has to be a ritual, but I suggest having at least one intentional meal together every week. It helps if this time is kid-free and screen-free.
3. Greetings
How do you greet each other at the end of the day? Successful couples acknowledge each other’s absence and their pleasure at being reunited. If you express pleasure to see your partner, then they will look forward to seeing you.
4. Bedtime
You don’t have to necessarily fall asleep at the same time as your partner, but bedtime is ripe for rituals. Any kind of physical enjoyment (from snuggling to sex), loving conversation or expressions of admiration for your partner (for example, “You’re so wonderful! Did you know that I love you?”), saying prayers, or expressing gratitude for the day can all be loving rituals of connection.
5. Special Occasions
I know that as the years go by, celebrating anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, and birthdays can seem like a lot of work. But rituals on special occasions don’t have to be extravagant. They are simply about creating meaning and connection, with regularity. These are days that remind you to stop your routine and celebrate your relationship and your partner. Handwritten letters or cards, dressing up for a dinner out, breakfast in bed - there are countless ways to show your partner, “I see you and I love you” on a special occasion. Be creative!
Rituals can change over time, with some falling by the wayside and others being created spontaneously. But people in successful relationships are aware of the tendency for rituals to slowly subside, and they actively work against that. In couples counseling, I not only train couples to resolve their conflicts, but I also help couples build a loving foundation by establishing effective rituals filled with intimacy, kind gestures, expressions of love, fun, and laughter.
Source for this post: Take Back Your Marriage by William J. Doherty
Starting a new ritual is surprisingly tricky if your relationship is already in a delicate place. Click here to schedule a 15-minute phone consultation with me to discuss how I can help you and your partner get back on track with your rituals.
I provide couples counseling in Wakefield, Rhode Island, and online everywhere in Rhode Island and Connecticut. I’d love to give you the tools to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
