Mindfulness for Your Marriage: Notice What Matters
One thing I find myself saying often in couples therapy is, “What do you notice about …….. ?” I try to help my clients learn the mindfulness practice of noticing, or becoming aware in an intentional way.
Taking notice is powerful because what you focus on expands. You have the power to notice any number of things, and you get to decide what you give further attention to.
Take Notice Within Yourself
There are two basic areas relevant to couples therapy where it’s useful to practice this type of awareness. The first is your own internal experience. What thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations come up? When do they come up? This is especially useful when you’re trying to examine and resolve tension with your partner.
Some things you may notice and then want to let pass by, like anxiety-driven fears about the future, intrusive thoughts about a past betrayal, or baseless assumptions about what your partner is thinking.
Or, you might notice some thoughts, feelings, or sensations and then choose to give them more attention. Notice how you’re feeling right now. Is there something on your mind that needs more thought? Are you having any feelings, like guilt or sadness, that need addressing? Notice your body right now. Is there any part that’s not comfortable? Often, conflicts with your partner are exacerbated by stress outside of your relationship, or physical needs like sleep. Tension lives in the body, and giving some care to your body can dramatically reduce tension within yourself and your relationship.
Take Notice Within Your Relationship
The second area where you can practice the art of noticing is within your relationship. Again, you may notice some things and then choose to let them pass by. You might notice you’re feeling anger, but decide to let it rest before you pursue a resolution with your partner. Go a step further and notice what you keep noticing. Do you notice your partner’s faults more than their good qualities?
There are many things you probably could notice more than you do. Be intentional and try to notice what your partner has been doing to change for the better, what they are doing to contribute to the family, and what the conditions are that lead you two to have a good time together. These are just a few examples of all the “good stuff” you can start noticing, and maybe even pointing out and thanking your partner for.
Remember, what you focus on will expand. You have control over what you notice and what you choose to focus on. Noticing and focusing are practices that require time and intention, but are extremely useful tools. In couples counseling, I can help you harness these tools to craft a loving and respectful marriage.
Curious about how I can help you learn skills like this to improve your relationship? Click here to schedule a 15-minute phone consultation with me to discuss your situation.
I provide couples counseling in Wakefield, Rhode Island, and online everywhere in Rhode Island and Connecticut. I’d love to give you the tools to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
