Eight Habits of Healthy Couples
People often say that “marriage takes work,” but they don’t often get down to specifics. Here are eight ways that healthy couples regularly work on their behaviors and mindsets to make their relationships last.
1 - Remain curious about your partner
There is always something new to learn and follow up on with your partner. Get to know their inner world by asking questions about their short-term and long-term plans, what they’re looking forward to, what they’re puzzling over, what they’re sad or happy about, how their health is going, what dreams they’re working toward, and on and on. Respond compassionately, especially if your partner shares a vulnerability with you.
2 -Take time to respond to your partner’s requests to connect
Long-term relationships are call and response, over and over. Happy couples listen to big or small invitations to connect, and then respond with interest to their partner, as opposed to not reacting at all or reacting negatively. Long heartfelt talks are included here but I really want to highlight the everyday, seemingly mundane comments and physical gestures that couples make to each other. A dozen moments every day like, “Oh, look at that pretty bird!” and the other saying, “Where? Oh, I see it,” are fundamental building blocks of a successful relationship.
3 - Address behaviors rather than attacking each other’s characters
Get in the habit of describing negative behaviors, rather than criticizing your partner’s personality. “You said you’d pick up groceries tonight, but then you didn’t. What happened?” is quite different from “You are so irresponsible.”
4 - Let yourself be influenced by you partner, rather than staying rigid
Happy couples share in decision-making and value each other’s input and opinions. Furthermore, they receive and integrate feedback. If your partner tells you something hurt them, take a sincere look at yourself and then take ownership of any actions that have been hurtful.
5 - Make time for play and simple enjoyment
Shared experiences create a sense of togetherness. Your inside jokes, mutual enjoyment of an activity, and time spent with each other build a sense of specialness about your relationship.
6- Approach conflicts by looking for win/win outcomes
Couples often go into a conflict with an “either/or” mentality in which they’re at opposite ends of a spectrum, each making arguments to get the other to come over to their side. In couples counseling I try to help folks stretch out their thinking and allow for more possibilities of compromise, all the while with couples respecting each other’s stance and wishes.
7 - Discuss and work toward a shared vision for the future
Talking about shared goals and values, and collaborating to make them happen, build a sense of teamwork and shared commitment to keeping the relationship going. What are your partner’s hopes and dreams for the future? What are yours? How can they support each other?
8 - Frequently appreciate and acknowledge each other’s positive qualities
Every day, think about what your partner does that makes your life better, and let them know. Connect it to a quality of theirs that makes you love them. For example, “I saw you working so much out in the yard today. I love that you’re so hard-working and you take such good care of our home.” The compliment to your partner is only part of the benefit here. It’s also important to cultivate an internal admiration for your partner.
It’s easy to read a list of healthy habits, but it’s really hard to implement them if your relationship has reached a place of mistrust and uncertainty. In couples counseling, I help couples understand the blocks each partner experiences that can make it hard to feel connected and joyful. We can work together to remove the blocks so you can get back into healthy habits that will keep your relationship strong for a lifetime.
I love helping couples go from stuck to joyful. If you’re curious how I might be able to help your relationship, click here to schedule a 15-minute phone consultation with me.
I provide couples counseling in Wakefield, Rhode Island, and online everywhere in Rhode Island and Connecticut.
