Five Red Flags in a Couples Therapist
Couples therapy is a huge investment in time, money, and emotional energy. But more importantly, your relationship is one of the bedrocks of your life. When you want things to work, it’s paramount that you get what you need out of the couples therapy experience. Not only do you need a good therapist, you need one that won’t make things worse. Here are some red flags to be on the lookout for.
1. They don’t specialize in couples therapy
Couples therapy is a rigorous line of work that is distinct from therapy with individuals. It requires specialized training and continuing education, not to mention a personality that likes to dig deep into relationship problems. You want to see a couples therapist, not a therapist that sometimes sees couples.
Ask your couples therapist about their training in couples work, and how much of their caseload is with couples. You can even ask them to compare and contrast different schools of thought on couples therapy and provide their rationale for the approach they have chosen. If the therapist enjoys speaking on this topic, it’s a good sign that you’ve found yourself a true specialist.
2. They let you and your partner argue
A trained couples therapist doesn’t need to see you arguing for long to understand the dynamics that need work. If they sit quietly and let you go back and forth at each other, then the therapist doesn’t have control of the session - the conflict does.
3. They spend too much one-on-one time with one member of the couple
A therapist that is clearly spending more time alone with one member of the couple can inadvertently send unhelpful messages, like who they sympathize with more or who they think is the bigger problem in the relationship. A skilled couples therapist treats the relationship (not the individuals within it) and works to make each person feel equally heard and seen.
A red flag related to this is if your couples therapist has seen one partner before in individual therapy. I’m not saying it can’t be done, but I think it’s getting off to a difficult start. Quite often, the new partner entering therapy feels blamed and ganged up on. Ideally your couples therapist is brand new for both of you.
4. They aren’t open to feedback
First of all, your couples therapist should regularly check in with you to see if you’re satisfied with the therapy. If you ever give your therapist critical feedback (like “I feel like my partner gets to do all the talking”), they should be interested in your valuable point of view. They should be able to ask you questions and adjust their approach to be responsive to your feedback - even if that means being more transparent and explaining why they do what they do.
5. They glaze over violence
Couples therapy can’t work when there are threats to physical safety. There are different types of violence, though, and the therapist should take different approaches with each.
What’s called “situational violence” involves specific arguments that escalate to bidirectional violence (both parties are violent) but do not reflect relationship-wide patterns of one person attempting to thoroughly dominate the other. With this type of violence, couples can meet together in sessions but the therapist should name the violence as unacceptable and work to help couples de-escalate long before they reach this point.
“Intimate terrorism” is violence in which one partner exerts general control over their partner, and couples therapy should not occur at all because it can make this dynamic even worse.
Whatever the case, a skilled couples therapist should not be shy asking questions about violence and then making appropriate recommendations to curtail violence and create safety.
I wrote these red flags with couples therapy in mind, but there are many additional red flags to therapy in general (such as the therapist talking too much about themselves and their personal problems, talking about other clients, being consistently late, and on and on). There are also red flags that are unique to each client. For example, one client might be offended by a therapist swearing in session, but another client might like that.
As you interact with your therapist, I hope you pay attention to your own personal sense of what is appropriate, what feels right for you, and what you are finding helpful. Tune into your own sense of safety and take charge of your own therapeutic experience by either communicating with your therapist about what’s not working for you, or finding a therapist that’s a better fit.
Can you think of any more red flags in a couples therapist? Help me improve this article by e-mailing me your feedback.
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I provide couples counseling in Wakefield, Rhode Island, and online everywhere in Rhode Island and Connecticut.
