How to Reward - and not Punish - Your Partner’s Vulnerability
In couples counseling, I try to help clients create an attitude and environment of emotional safety for each other. It’s important for a person to feel emotionally safe before they can express vulnerability. Then, if they do take a risk and express vulnerability, it’s very important that their partner has a positive, rewarding response (or at least not punitive). Success in giving and receiving vulnerability will create a positive feedback loop of emotional closeness and connection. The more you reward vulnerability, the more you get it from your partner, and the more they reward yours.
What is vulnerability?
Vulnerability a willingness to acknowledge and reveal your emotions, especially if they are painful ones such as fear, sadness, or shame. It’s about opening yourself up and sharing a part of yourself that not many people get to see. The risk is rejection, but the reward is intimate connection. Knowing your own raw spots and then communicating them are very hard things to do. Most people either never learned how to express vulnerability, or they learned early on that vulnerability is unsafe and should be avoided at all costs.
Vulnerability comes in many forms and looks different across situations, but here are some common examples:
Telling your partner how much you love or need them, especially if you’re not sure they feel the same way
Saying you’re sorry and that you feel bad about yourself or what you’ve done
Asking for your partner to show more love or affection
Making a gesture toward physical intimacy
Sharing about a time someone hurt you
Crying in front of your partner
Showing yourself in a “weakened” state, such as ill or grieving
Any other type of comment, question, touch, or facial expression that reveals an inner experience of pain, sadness, or fear
Vulnerability is everywhere, but people often hide it underneath anger, defensiveness, blame, or even nonchalance. For example, the somewhat accusatory statement, “You never plan date nights for us,” is a safer way of saying the more vulnerable, “I want to be with you, but I’m not sure you want to be with me. Do you still care about me?” A statement like “You never…” shifts the focus away from the speaker’s personal vulnerability (a fear of rejection) and onto their partner’s behaviors. It feels less risky, emotionally. Unfortunately, instead of eliciting a date night or verbal expression of care, this kind of statement is more likely to just push the partner away into their own defensiveness and hurt.
What does “punishing vulnerability” look like?
Most people don’t necessarily want to have a negative reaction to their partner’s vulnerability. But, a vulnerable statement can be hard to hear when it triggers your own vulnerability. In the example above, the critical tone of “You never plan date nights for us” might trigger the partner’s fear of never being good enough.
Vulnerability is also hard to respond to positively if it’s new and your partner hasn’t said these things before, if you don’t believe they’re being sincere (maybe they’ve apologized in the past just to get the conversation over with), or if you don’t know what vulnerability looks like.
Unfortunately, people in these positions often end up punishing their partner’s vulnerability by responding with indifference or hostility, or just bypassing the moment and moving onto their own side of the story. This can come through body language (such as physically turning away or rolling your eyes), words, and/or tone. Punishing vulnerability is anything you say or do to send messages like these:
That feeling is ridiculous or irrational
I don’t have time for this/you
I don’t believe you
Your vulnerability makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t want it/you
My feelings on this matter are more important than yours
Four particularly harmful ways to respond to vulnerability are criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt. Go here to learn more about these vulnerability-killers.
How to reward vulnerability
When you start looking out for your partner’s vulnerability, you might see it more and more. If you want to increase affection and trust in your relationship, do your best to have a positive response to your partner’s risk-taking and signs of vulnerability. Show interest, empathy, or support. This might look like:
Giving full attention while you listen, with your body fully turned toward your partner and giving good eye contact
Take the time to fully sit with and absorb your partner’s perspective before switching to your own
Thanking them for sharing their vulnerable side with you
Validating their experience by saying that their feelings and point of view make sense. Show true empathy.
Telling them that you love them all the more because they shared this with you
Asking to hear more
Assuring them, “I’m here for you. I care.”
What to do when you can’t respond positively
Even if you can’t necessarily reward the vulnerability, try to not punish. Take a deep breath, pause, and try to give a neutral, though gentle, response. This might look like:
“That’s hard for me to hear right now. I need some time before I can respond to that.”
“This conversation is important to me, but I’m getting overwhelmed with my own stuff. I need a break. Let’s talk about this again in ….. [some specific amount of time].”
Sending a signal of vulnerability and receiving a loving response - that’s what relationships are made of. It’s hard enough to know what your own vulnerable spot is, and then expressing it to the person who matters so much to you - and who has probably hurt you in the past - is even harder. In couples counseling, I help each of you recognize your blocks to both sending and receiving each other’s vulnerability. I do the work of steering the relationship back toward emotional safety. When each person feels safe and skilled enough to engage in this process on their own, then you and your partner can feel like a true team.
If you’re curious about how I can help you, click here to schedule a 15-minute phone consultation with me. I’d love to chat about the changes you’d like to see in your relationship.
I provide couples counseling in Wakefield, Rhode Island, and online everywhere in Rhode Island and Connecticut.
