How to Share Your Side: Part Two of a Couples Counseling Exercise to Do at Home
Previously I blogged about how to be a good listener so that you can understand your partner’s side of a problem. Here I write about the flipside: how to express yourself in such a way that your partner is more likely to understand you.
This is a continuation of the couples therapy exercise to do at home called the Dreams-Within-Conflict exercise (by Drs. John and Julie Gottman as part of their Gottman Method of couples therapy). If you do this couples therapy exercise at home, take turns being the Listener and the Speaker, with each person getting about 15 minutes per role.
So far in the exercise, a Listener has asked questions intended to stimulate the Speaker into sharing their core values, beliefs, and dreams that underlie their side of an argument. It’s very important for the Listener to take a non-judgmental stance and keep an open mind to whatever the Speaker has to say.
How to Share Your Side Effectively
If you’re the Speaker, you have a very important job too. Your task is to sincerely reflect on the questions the Listener poses, and answer them honestly and succinctly. The key is to keep the focus on yourself and dig into the origin stories, or dreams, that underlie your point of view. Try to stay out of the muck of your current disagreement and go further back into your personal history.
All this talk about “dreams” might be confusing. You may not know what your dreams are, which might make you self-conscious to speak about them. And it is hard to go deep into our own minds to understand ourselves better, especially in front of your partner - someone you want to trust but who probably hasn’t always made you feel safe and comfortable.
To help along your thinking, below is a list of common dreams that I have seen come up in couples counseling.
Example Dreams to Help You Reflect On Your Side
Feeling unconditionally loved
Freedom to make your own choices
Equality in the relationship
Healing from your past, or correcting mistakes in your family history
A sense of order and stability
Financial safety
Connection with your family
Exploring your sexuality
A sense of empowerment
Feeling recognized for your accomplishments and contributions
Having a connection to various aspects of your identity (especially pre-parenthood identities)
Self-discovery
When couples are in conflict, their dreams may seemingly be at odds with one another, like when one partner craves a sense of freedom and the other craves stability. Unfortunately many couples believe relationships are inherently win/lose: if my partner wins their dream, then I lose mine. That mindset keeps the conflict brewing because giving up on a dream is terribly painful. Furthermore, shutting down a dream is truly catastrophic for one’s mental health and relationship.
One aspect of couples counseling is helping each of you recognize that your relationship can be win/win. You can honor your partner’s dreams without losing out on your own. It starts with unpacking what the dreams are and being able to openly share them with each other.
If you’re curious about how I can help you create a win/win dynamic in your relationship, click here to schedule a 15-minute phone consultation with me.
I provide online couples counseling in Wakefield, Rhode Island, and online everywhere in Rhode Island and Connecticut. I’d love to help you unpack your dreams and share them with your partner.
