Four Warning Signs of Divorce - And How to Fix Them
All couples argue, right? But some ways of arguing are better that others. Extensive research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman has revealed that certain ways of arguing are predictive of later divorce. The Gottmans termed the four worst offenders the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because of how pernicious they are to marital stability. Let’s learn what they are and some ways to remedy them.
1. Criticism
Criticism is attacking some aspect of who your partner is as a person. It’s saying, “You are *some bad quality*.” Let’s say your partner is habitually late to pick you up from work, so you angrily tell them, “You’re always late! You’re so inconsiderate.”
A lot of times, people think they’re just being “honest” when what they’re really doing is criticizing. No matter how much you value honesty, wording your thoughts in a critical, harsh manner is going to chip away at your partner’s confidence and goodwill toward you.
Criticism is different from complaining. Complaining is saying you don’t like a behavior or a situation. Complaining is extra helpful if you describe your own feelings instead of focusing on your partner’s perceived flaw.
From the example above, you might complain by saying, “We agreed you’d pick me up at 5, and it’s now 5:20. This is the third time this month. I’m really upset because I didn’t know what time you’d be here, and I was worried about you. Let’s figure out what we can do so it doesn’t happen again.” You’re still voicing displeasure but it’s with the situation, not your partner’s inherent nature.
2. Defensiveness
Defensiveness often follows criticism, or even perceived criticism (which is why even if you complain nicely, your partner might get defensive), and it means deflecting responsibility. Defensiveness is extremely common because when you believe you’re being attacked, naturally you want to defend yourself. It takes real skill to calm yourself down and say, “My partner is not trying to attack me right now. They’re trying to tell me about something important to them.”
A defensive reaction to someone telling you that you’re always late might be, “I’m only 20 minutes late, and I was on time every other day this week! You’re really overreacting.” In this case, you’re saying, “The problem is your reaction, not my own behavior.”
A non-defensive reaction involves owning your side of the problem. For example, “I was late. I’m sorry. I see I really upset you, and I don’t like that. Let’s figure out a solution so it doesn’t happen again.”
Tone makes a big difference here, too. You can say, “I’m sorry!” in an irritated way and it basically means you’re not sorry, you’re just trying to get out of this conversation without really acknowledging your actions and their impact.
3. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is shutting down an interaction while also expressing disapproval. It might look like the silent treatment, refusing to look at someone, or putting your hand up in their face. Stonewalling happens when someone is so emotionally overwhelmed and they want to leave a situation, but they don’t know how to do it in a loving way.
Let’s say either of these partners in the lateness example is very angry. Either one can get in the car and then refuse to speak for the whole ride home, staring off into the distance and ignoring whatever their partner says.
Instead of stonewalling, practice noticing your own emotional arousal state and calming yourself down before you get to the stonewalling zone. Deep breathing, meditation, fresh air - anything to bring your body and mind back to normal. You might need to explicitly ask your partner to take a break, like, “I’m getting so overwhelmed and angry right now, I need to take a break. Let’s talk in about 15 minutes when I’ve got some more bandwidth to give you.”
4. Contempt
Contempt is the worst of the bunch. Contempt is any belittling behavior, verbal or nonverbal, that asserts your superiority over your partner. Contempt can be conveyed with a sneer of disgust, an eye roll, a mocking tone of voice, sarcasm, or insults. Couples must work to completely eradicate contempt in their relationship and replace it with a culture of appreciation and fondness.
Examples of contempt for the late arriver might look like, with a mocking tone, “Oh, you’re upset that I’m late? You’re such a little kid. Get over it.” Or, “Here we go again. Blah blah blah,” paired with an eye roll.
Contempt for the person waiting for the ride could be, “What the hell is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head as a baby?” Any comment that conveys, “I’m better, smarter, more mature, etc. than you” is contempt.
How Couples Counseling Can Help
With the exception of contempt, which is particularly toxic, the above behaviors are present in nearly every relationship. So, becoming defensive once in awhile does not mean you’re headed directly for divorce. However, if multiple Horsemen are present over time, without any awareness that they are a problem, then you should know that something has got to change or your relationship is in trouble.
When I explain these Four Horsemen in couples counseling, I tell each member of the couple that it’s usually pretty easy to point a finger at your partner and say, “This is something that you do!” It’s much harder to look at yourself and acknowledge, “Alright, I do this too.” Because these behaviors generally happen as part of a cyclical pattern, it’s possible to make things better in your relationship by focusing on your own side of the equation. For example, reducing your tendency to criticize should reduce your partner’s tendency to become defensive. Couples counseling can teach you the subtle shifts in your tone and manner of expressing yourself so that your partner is more likely to grasp the core of your meaning.
However, changing your relational dynamic at a foundational level is much more complex than substituting the Four Horsemen for more collaborative language. Each of the Horsemen is a form of coping mechanism that can be deeply ingrained in who we are. The most effective way to remedy these negative cycles is to contact a qualified couples counselor. They can help both you and your partner see what behaviors you’re engaging in, the feelings and longing for change that underlie these behaviors , what negative effects they’re having, and what to do instead.
Source for this post: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail… And How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman, PhD, 1994
Do these Horsemen sound familiar? If you’d like to stop them from taking over your relationship, click here to schedule a 15-minute phone consultation with me. I’d love to help you and your partner learn new ways of interacting that make you feel loved and connected.
I provide couples counseling in Wakefield, Rhode Island, and online everywhere in Rhode Island and Connecticut.
