Get Curious, Not Furious: Questions to Ask When You’re Angry at Your Partner
If you’ve had the same fight over and over with your partner, then you’re probably used to asking yourself: “What on earth are they thinking?” If you keep coming up empty for answers, then you probably get frustrated with your partner for refusing to communicate with you, or for saying things that just don’t make sense to you. Or maybe you have some ideas about what your partner is thinking, but those ideas make you feel even worse. You might be starting to wonder if they care about you at all.
If you are asking yourself what’s happening in your partner’s inner world, then you’re on the right track. But in order to stop fighting and learn a new way to communicate, you’ll have to focus just as much on your side of the conflict dynamic as theirs.
Here’s where you can use one of my favorite mantras for stopping conflicts and replacing them with understanding and connection. It’s “Get Curious, Not Furious.”
You could get curious and ask your partner some questions, but I recommend getting used to questioning yourself first. Self-reflective curiosity can help you see the bigger picture of your problem, take control over your side of the situation, and develop empathy for your partner’s point of view. Here are three places to start:
What does my anger look like?
The more you understand your reactions, the easier it will be to manage them. Get curious and ask yourself:
How does anger show up in my body (heart racing, clenched jaw, etc.)?
What’s my typical style of dealing with these feelings? Do I tend to pounce on things that make me angry, or avoid them?
What’s really going on within me?
It’s easy to point at the external cause of your anger - something your partner said or did. It’s not as easy to understand the internal side of your anger. Ask yourself:
Why does this bother me in particular? Do I have some need that’s not getting met?
What else is my anger connected to? Is something from the past, or from outside our relationship, coming up?
What’s going on within my partner, deep down?
For the sake of this exercise, let’s give your partner the benefit of the doubt - they are a good person that doesn’t want to hurt you. Ask yourself:
What is my partner struggling with that’s playing a role right now?
What need is my partner trying to get met?
These questions are tough to answer, especially where there’s a history of hurt feelings and confusion. In couples counseling, I help clients break this process down. I can help you understand where your and your partner’s feelings and reactions come from. I give targeted feedback about how to change your specific conflict patterns and replace them with connection-building exercises tailored just for you.
By showing you exactly where and how to “get curious,” I can teach you to genuinely know yourself and your partner on a deeper level. Even when triggering situations happen (and they will, over and over), you two will have a foundation of understanding, trust, and intimacy to fall back on.
Are you ready to address what’s bothering you in your relationship? If you’d like to hear more about how I can help in couples counseling, click here to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation.
